Theory 6: Equivalent Happiness. Part B: Remembering Your Audience
Warning – Chronological failure! This is Part B, so you may want to scroll down and read Part A first.
For those of you that would assume that my worst vice would be one of gambling, drugs, alcohol or pornography, you will be surprised and disgusted to learn that I am recording and watching Beverly Hills 90210 reruns on a regular basis. I have watched 4 episodes this week. Remember how I mentioned the role 12 year-old Mark plays in making moral choices? While, for some reason, 19 year-old Mark has a lot to say about what kind of television I like to watch. Looking back, I still love Brenda, even if she was a bitch. I think it is only natural that I somehow work this into Part B of Equivalent Happiness Theory.
When we left off, Theory 2 (about lying to ourselves) was encroaching heavily on Theory 6 (about being happy). I was discussing that people generally coast at the same base level of happiness, and that we are generally idiots who do an awful job of trying to become happier. The culprit: We aren’t honest with ourselves.
I have already stated that I think happiness in an internal condition. Yet, when people try to make changes that they think will make them happier, they always look to external solutions, just the type of things that Part A argued will do nothing to change how happy they are. They look to nice cars, nice clothes, nice possessions. They look to relationships with other people thinking that love is all they need. They look to religion.
The problem is, if you are all messed up internally, you are never going to have enough things, you are going to do damage to your relationships, and you aren’t going to make wonderful spiritual connections with any god(s).
We all watch the outside world and think that what happens to us will determine our happiness. I just don’t think that the “WHAT” is nearly as important as the “US”. Simply put, you are the source of all of your own happiness, and all of your own unhappiness. No matter who you are and where you are, we all have one dreary thing in common: we are all stuck with our self. We can only ever hear our own unfiltered thoughts, and we can only see the world through our own perceptions.
And so, the answer becomes clear: you have to really like yourself to be happy. If you like and respect yourself, you can enjoy external things or possessions without putting too much emphasis on them, you can be a healthy contributor to all your relationships, and you have the self awareness to pursue spiritual happiness through whatever means you choose. If you don’t like yourself, you are stuck living every moment of your life with someone you don’t like, and that is something you should probably be working on.
Which brings me to Theory #6 in the Book of Mark: If you want to become happier, stop working on things that have no impact on how you feel about yourself, and start working on what it is about yourself that you wish you could change. Otherwise, you will coast through life at some equivalent level of happiness and direct all your focus and energy on things that won’t help you get any happier. You’ll be swallowed by details.
How you go about liking yourself more is a whole other story. The pursuit of self actualization and loving of one’s self is a life’s work for even really, really old people. I don’t have the silver bullet.
I do, however, as usual, have my own stupid trick that comes in handy. While LIVING your life is one sense, remember to OBSERVE it objectively at the same time. Keep some perspective in the larger sense as you watch yourself live. In order to that, you need to make sure that you enjoy watching your life, and that you are interesting enough to observe. It is tragic to think of how many people I have come across who have completely lost interest in themselves, to the point where they will only ever get excited about other people and other things. It is so easy to get lost in the day-to-day details of life that you look back and suddenly a whole bunch of time has elapsed and you feel as though nothing significant has happened.
To combat this, I like to observe my life as if I were watching a television show. I am often amused when frustrating things happen as I think "How will our hero deal with this?" I wish I could say that my life is some great television show that enriches the spirit at every moment, but I just can’t live up to that. Mostly I am watching a bad television show full of life’s boring little details, so I at least try to make sure it is the 90210esque (a new word for the ages) kind of show where I remain fascinated by what the characters will do. Something that 19 year-old Mark would get addicted to.
Just about any time I am bored with the television show that is my life I look to the main character to somehow make things interesting. Luckily, I have complete control over the main character. I can’t tell you how often a voice in my head says something to the effect of “Do something interesting. Dance, monkey, dance.” It may seem wierd, but I have found that it is a lot easier to make positive changes with respect to who you are when you are constantly comparing yourself to the character you would like to be.
And so, at every moment in my life, I have a 12 year-old judging my life on a moral level and a hormone-ridden 19 year-old demanding that I remain entertaining. This is NOT enough to guarantee that I am a great person, but I think it keeps me trying, and helps me to disassociate from the short-term results. Sure the last girl I asked out said no, but how boring would it be if I hadn’t even asked? Who would watch that show? Suddenly, (in keeping with my promise that the theories need to start working together), Theory # 5 starts to creep in. I start to demand of myself that I try different things and that I put myself out there. I start to have a lot going on, and I become less concerned with the individual results and details. I grow a little bit, I amuse myself, and I like myself a bit more.
My life may be a bad television 90210esque show, but I think I have gotten to a point where I am my favourite character. I advise you to make sure that, in the face of your own objective viewing, you too are your own favourite character. After all, for all the things we can't control in life, we get to decide who we are. That may not be enough to guarantee a life of happiness, but I think it will keep us moving in the right direction, rather than not moving at all.
Well, I managed to work in Theories 2 and 5 into Theory 6, which I am pleased with, and I got to mention Brenda in the process. For more discussion on dealing with the details of life, stay tuned for Theory #7: The Kamikaze Auto-Pilot.
Additional Note – I was recently introduced to the work of Harvard Professor Daniel Gilbert, whose theories are similar to some of mine but go into much greater depth. Although I didn’t originally steal this theory from him, I definitely have incorporated some of his terminology. For more information I suggest you check him out or his book, Stumbling On Happiness. I haven’t read it but I found the synopsis an excellent read, for whatever that is worth.
For those of you that would assume that my worst vice would be one of gambling, drugs, alcohol or pornography, you will be surprised and disgusted to learn that I am recording and watching Beverly Hills 90210 reruns on a regular basis. I have watched 4 episodes this week. Remember how I mentioned the role 12 year-old Mark plays in making moral choices? While, for some reason, 19 year-old Mark has a lot to say about what kind of television I like to watch. Looking back, I still love Brenda, even if she was a bitch. I think it is only natural that I somehow work this into Part B of Equivalent Happiness Theory.
When we left off, Theory 2 (about lying to ourselves) was encroaching heavily on Theory 6 (about being happy). I was discussing that people generally coast at the same base level of happiness, and that we are generally idiots who do an awful job of trying to become happier. The culprit: We aren’t honest with ourselves.
I have already stated that I think happiness in an internal condition. Yet, when people try to make changes that they think will make them happier, they always look to external solutions, just the type of things that Part A argued will do nothing to change how happy they are. They look to nice cars, nice clothes, nice possessions. They look to relationships with other people thinking that love is all they need. They look to religion.
The problem is, if you are all messed up internally, you are never going to have enough things, you are going to do damage to your relationships, and you aren’t going to make wonderful spiritual connections with any god(s).
We all watch the outside world and think that what happens to us will determine our happiness. I just don’t think that the “WHAT” is nearly as important as the “US”. Simply put, you are the source of all of your own happiness, and all of your own unhappiness. No matter who you are and where you are, we all have one dreary thing in common: we are all stuck with our self. We can only ever hear our own unfiltered thoughts, and we can only see the world through our own perceptions.
And so, the answer becomes clear: you have to really like yourself to be happy. If you like and respect yourself, you can enjoy external things or possessions without putting too much emphasis on them, you can be a healthy contributor to all your relationships, and you have the self awareness to pursue spiritual happiness through whatever means you choose. If you don’t like yourself, you are stuck living every moment of your life with someone you don’t like, and that is something you should probably be working on.
Which brings me to Theory #6 in the Book of Mark: If you want to become happier, stop working on things that have no impact on how you feel about yourself, and start working on what it is about yourself that you wish you could change. Otherwise, you will coast through life at some equivalent level of happiness and direct all your focus and energy on things that won’t help you get any happier. You’ll be swallowed by details.
How you go about liking yourself more is a whole other story. The pursuit of self actualization and loving of one’s self is a life’s work for even really, really old people. I don’t have the silver bullet.
I do, however, as usual, have my own stupid trick that comes in handy. While LIVING your life is one sense, remember to OBSERVE it objectively at the same time. Keep some perspective in the larger sense as you watch yourself live. In order to that, you need to make sure that you enjoy watching your life, and that you are interesting enough to observe. It is tragic to think of how many people I have come across who have completely lost interest in themselves, to the point where they will only ever get excited about other people and other things. It is so easy to get lost in the day-to-day details of life that you look back and suddenly a whole bunch of time has elapsed and you feel as though nothing significant has happened.
To combat this, I like to observe my life as if I were watching a television show. I am often amused when frustrating things happen as I think "How will our hero deal with this?" I wish I could say that my life is some great television show that enriches the spirit at every moment, but I just can’t live up to that. Mostly I am watching a bad television show full of life’s boring little details, so I at least try to make sure it is the 90210esque (a new word for the ages) kind of show where I remain fascinated by what the characters will do. Something that 19 year-old Mark would get addicted to.
Just about any time I am bored with the television show that is my life I look to the main character to somehow make things interesting. Luckily, I have complete control over the main character. I can’t tell you how often a voice in my head says something to the effect of “Do something interesting. Dance, monkey, dance.” It may seem wierd, but I have found that it is a lot easier to make positive changes with respect to who you are when you are constantly comparing yourself to the character you would like to be.
And so, at every moment in my life, I have a 12 year-old judging my life on a moral level and a hormone-ridden 19 year-old demanding that I remain entertaining. This is NOT enough to guarantee that I am a great person, but I think it keeps me trying, and helps me to disassociate from the short-term results. Sure the last girl I asked out said no, but how boring would it be if I hadn’t even asked? Who would watch that show? Suddenly, (in keeping with my promise that the theories need to start working together), Theory # 5 starts to creep in. I start to demand of myself that I try different things and that I put myself out there. I start to have a lot going on, and I become less concerned with the individual results and details. I grow a little bit, I amuse myself, and I like myself a bit more.
My life may be a bad television 90210esque show, but I think I have gotten to a point where I am my favourite character. I advise you to make sure that, in the face of your own objective viewing, you too are your own favourite character. After all, for all the things we can't control in life, we get to decide who we are. That may not be enough to guarantee a life of happiness, but I think it will keep us moving in the right direction, rather than not moving at all.
Well, I managed to work in Theories 2 and 5 into Theory 6, which I am pleased with, and I got to mention Brenda in the process. For more discussion on dealing with the details of life, stay tuned for Theory #7: The Kamikaze Auto-Pilot.
Additional Note – I was recently introduced to the work of Harvard Professor Daniel Gilbert, whose theories are similar to some of mine but go into much greater depth. Although I didn’t originally steal this theory from him, I definitely have incorporated some of his terminology. For more information I suggest you check him out or his book, Stumbling On Happiness. I haven’t read it but I found the synopsis an excellent read, for whatever that is worth.
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6 Comments:
Wow---I vaguely remember you advancing this theory (#6) when you were thirteen or so. That is, the theory of behaving as if being watched as a method of being the person you want to be. Great theory, although it makes it a little more uncomfortable to go to the washroom etc.
Watch The O.C. sometime. It's ammusing how similar the story lines are to that of 90210. It's, what's that word I am looking for?? "90210'esque"
The women are better looking too. Brenda has one eye higher then the other.
Mark you need your own theme music like in The Family Guy when Peter blows one of three wishes on his own personal theme music.
It amazes me that we keep hearing about 12 year old and 19 year old Mark but no mention of 30 year old Mark. I understand that 30 year old Mark must be essential in articulately these views but where is the wisdom (used loosely) learned from the later years. 12 and 19 year old Mark still influence your actions greatly on what you feel is moral and interesting but people do grow up. This does not mean less interesting or fun to ourselves, it may make people seem less fun or interesting to those around us and vice versa because what we deem priorities ... interesting...fun changes as we do. And as your most recent points out, we need to be able to adapt to these changes, not changing the way we think and adapt as we get older can lead to Kent and Kyle ism. (sorry for the inside reference but Mark will get the meaning)
Don’t get me wrong I agree with a lot of what you have written but sometimes it seems that this view is just a rationalization for not wanting to assume any responsibility… if it not fun or interesting, it doesn’t make me happy so I won’t fit it into my life. Maybe some things that you deem not fun or uninteresting are really just excuses because they take effort, responsibility and a level of commitment. In these things if you try you leave yourself open to failing, so it becomes easier to not try and rationalize why we don’t.
Mark you need your own theme music like in The Family Guy when Peter blows one of three wishes on his own personal theme music.
It amazes me that we keep hearing about 12 year old and 19 year old Mark but no mention of 30 year old Mark. I understand that 30 year old Mark must be essential in articulately these views but where is the wisdom (used loosely) learned from the later years. 12 and 19 year old Mark still influence your actions greatly on what you feel is moral and interesting but people do grow up. This does not mean less interesting or fun to ourselves, it may make people seem less fun or interesting to those around us and vice versa because what we deem priorities ... interesting...fun changes as we do. And as your most recent points out, we need to be able to adapt to these changes, not changing the way we think and adapt as we get older can lead to Kent and Kyle ism. (sorry for the inside reference but Mark will get the meaning)
Don’t get me wrong I agree with a lot of what you have written but sometimes it seems that this view is just a rationalization for not wanting to assume any responsibility… if it not fun or interesting, it doesn’t make me happy so I won’t fit it into my life. Maybe some things that you deem not fun or uninteresting are really just excuses because they take effort, responsibility and a level of commitment. In these things if you try you leave yourself open to failing, so it becomes easier to not try and rationalize why we don’t.
Ibid. Evan. His comments are worth the double entry. Not to detract from a lot of what you said though Mark. A healthy sense of self worth and objective critical self awareness is refreshing in our present western context. But that leaves me questioning how what you translates in a global sense. I agree that anyone can be happy despite their circumstances but it think we get a little ego centric here in the the great white north (North America actually, and some of western Europe and apparently Australia).
First of all, are we able to be absolutely sure that our personal pursuit has no direct involvement in the increased burden others carry? Your exploration of the true route to happiness may yield some answers for this dilemma.
Second, there seems to be alot of commercialised self awareness promotion today that I don't think measures up. Is it inauthentic or is there something that drives use to look outside for some part of the happiness equation? Maybe it is a product of the inner happiness as you seem to suggest, or the mechanics by which we objectively look at ourselves. Have I missed how you explain the happiness that "comes from other"
I will watch carefully.
Oops. The anonymous post was from me.
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