Theory 17: The Art of the Insult or The Shadow of an Appendix
------
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one."
-- Winston Churchill
------
The purpose of this essay is to provide a comprehensive analysis of the Insult. I will be discussing the two key components of the Insult, which I refer to as “The Render” and “The Shadow”. I have included a great deal of formal background information and unnecessary nonsense in order to give the appearance of a formal essay. I am really not sure why. Nonetheless, we begin with the obligatory Table of Contents:
Table of Contents:
1) About the Author
2) Introduction
3) Historical Context and Significance
4) The Two Building Blocks
a. The render
b. The shadow
5) Delivering the Perfect Insult
6) Appendix
1) About the Author
-------
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
-- Samuel Johnson
-------
The author was raised in a family where every visit to the dinner table was effectively a desperate battle to maintain one’s self respect (and perhaps cripple someone else’s). Being a creature of comfort the author then sought out friends of like mind. This played a key role in the formation of a verbally aggressive social group, which remains intact and Insulting in all respects to this day.
The culmination of these experiences have combined to create a belief that sticks and/or stones, though reputed to be bone-breakingly strong, are a lesser option to the kind of brutal psychological damage you can inflict on someone if you are graced with the right combination of luck, opportunity and skill.
2) Introduction to the Insult
When it comes to human interaction, we live in a subjective world. What is “fat” to one person is “skinny” to another, and what is “phat” to some is “lame” to others. There are no answer books or cliff notes to help us sort out whose impressions are objectively right or wrong, so we all form our own opinions and for the most part they go completely unchecked. However, this inevitably leads to some conflict, because our own subjective opinions don’t usually align with the opinions of others. In a world of 6.7 billion people, most of whom are incapable of shutting up long enough to think of anything interesting to say, there is inevitably some conflict, some disagreement and some jockeying for position.
The Insult is a key mechanism through which we voice critical comparisons. It is a tool of language whereby the Insultor speaks poorly of the Insultee. For example, you may feel that someone’s sister is unusually promiscuous, or that someone’s mother’s obesity is sufficiently noteworthy that it is worth making some kind of special effort to point it out publicly. The Insult is your tool for bringing such conditions to public attention.
3) Historical Context and Significance
------
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
-- Dorothy Parker
------
(Authors Note: This portion is purely conjecture. Absolutely no research was done)
I can only assume that the Insult has been around for as long as people have been able to communicate. I can easily imagine cavemen making fun of each other simply by pointing and laughing. This is no doubt when the male of the species began its gender-long tradition of taunting other men for the substandard women that we drag into our caves, or for the shoddy wheels that we keep reinventing.
Although the Insult has always been with us, there is an argument to be made that it is more important to our civilization now than it has ever been. In the past, disputes were more likely to be resolved through physical conflict or by the maintenance of a strong class system. As we all collectively evolve to become more like the cool people we watch on situational comedies, the need for a civilized method of resolving conflict has become increasingly important. The Insult is the most aggressive form of civilized discussion (assuming that threats are not considered civilized.) Cats hiss, snakes rattle and people “put others down” in the hope that this will somehow put them “up”.
It is also important to note that today’s society has evolved to become remarkably sensitive and prone to psychological damage. As a result, there is a disturbing trend within pop culture for people to overtly toot their own horns. This is increasingly evident in all of the main pop culture outlets including modern politics, pop and rap music, competitive sports and, most notably, professional wresting. Not surprisingly, modern Insults have followed this trend, becoming more and more direct and less and less subtle. While it is true that this makes for more boring Insults, it provides a tremendous social advantage for anyone who has a true understanding of The Insult, its building blocks, and its hidden implications.
3) The Building Blocks
----
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
-- Robert Benchley
----
a. The Render: How you choose to make your point
In many situations, the rendering of the Insult is the actual key to the Insult itself. This is the key difference between saying “Your mother is fat” and “Your mother is so fat that . . . “ Most would agree that a “Your mother” joke is judged completely on how well the Insultor renders the shape of the mother, and not on the mother’s actual shape.
Generally speaking, the most successful way to “render” an Insult is to incorporate humour on some level. This can be done through over the top exaggerating, subtle innuendo, or even physical gesturing.
[Author’s Note - Count me among those who long for the days when Insults were a lot more creative. A brief google on the likes of Winston Churchill, Dorothy Parker or Oscar Wilde reveals a cornucopia of brilliant Insults. I have long dreamed of sitting at the Algonquin Round Table and being insulted by everyone who was there. I wonder what would Harpo Marx do?]
[Author’s Secondary Note – I am pretty sure that I have never used the term Cornucopia before unless I was referring to an obscure 25 year-old Black Sabbath song.]
b. The shadow
This represents the most overlooked aspect of the Insult: what it tells you about the Insultor. In my last theory I spoke a great deal about how aggressive behaviour is often just a cry for positive attention from others. The Insult is an example of this theory at work, for it too represents an aggressive action. Noted alchemist Sir Isaac Newton once posited that “every action has an equal and opposite reaction,” and the Insult is no exception.
Put another way, every Insult may attempt to shine the focus on the Insultee, but if you pay close enough attention, it also provides an equal amount of information about the Insultor. When the Insultor puts someone down, he leaves a clue, a hint, or sometimes even a clear indication of his own insecurities and inadequacies. I call this the “shadow” of the Insult.
When you stop and think about it, an evolved person stands very little to gain for aggressively pointing out other peoples’ faults. Yet it remains something that so many of us like to do. In a world full of insecurity and uncertainty, we make fun of people that are different as a way of showing that we fit in. We point out others’ inadequacies as a means of highlighting how we don’t share them. We point our fingers at others as a means of asserting ourselves.
Trying to improve yourself is hard work. Nobody is perfect and everything is relative. Sometimes the easiest way to feel better about yourself is to feel less about others. The key point is that when we resort to an Insult as a means of asserting ourselves, we are making our need to feel better about ourselves visible for all to see. However, most don’t see it because the focus is on the Insultee. The weakness of the aggressor lingers in the shadow of the Insult.
4) Theory 17: The Theory of Insults
----
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln
----
Finally, I give you Theory 15: The perfect Insult is one which provides a brilliant rendering while leaving the exact amount of shadow that the Insultor desires.
Recognizing that every different situation requires a different Insult, the right mix of render and shadow will always vary. Friends often engage in the vicious insulting of one another as a means of play fighting. In this instance, a big shadow is desirable, for the goal of propping yourself up through lowering another is completely transparent and understood. Not everyone is comfortable just “whipping it out” and seeing whose is bigger. Some of us prefer to talk things through.
In the case of a pure insult, where the intent is to truly hurt someone, the Insultor runs the risk of casting a lager shadow than he or she intends. This behaviour is aggressive and emotions are necessarily involved. As such, if there is any real practical value to take from this essay, it is that if you really want someone to feel insulted, you need to remove your shadow completely. The elusive Perfect Insult: where the Insultee is not even aware that there was intent to Insult. Somehow an innocent suggestion is made that strikes the desired point home, seemingly by accident. Here the Insultor gets no credit for the render of the Insult, for nobody recognizes the accomplishment. The render becomes more about nuance than descriptive language. The Insultor sets aside the glory of a great Insult to maximize its impact.
All of this explains why Dorothy Parker delivered her Insults with her signature indifferent drawl, or why so many of Churchill’s brilliant Insults are perfect comebacks that sound so similar in form to the original Insult that was leveled at him, as if he is always ready to win a battle of wits, but only bothered when engaged by an aggressor.
5) Appendix
----
“This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.”
-- Dorothy Parker
----
A great deal more could be written on this topic. As usual, I am stopping my analysis at a point befitting the goal of this web site. I have said many times that you can only expect so much from cereal box philosophy. However, for this theory I thought it would be nice to leave you with a little personal story for context.
About 6 years ago I spent a month or so juggling some combination of pain and denial until my appendix finally burst, sending me to the hospital. To my friends’ surprise, when I finally emerged from my recovery, I was less Insulting and less mean, (which was interpreted as less interesting and less fun.) This disappointed my friends, who still miss the more judgmental and entertaining Mark. Naturally, my friends drew a connection to the loss of my appendix. (Perhaps it is not so vestigial an organ after all.) To this day, any time I speak with a hint of empathy, I am quickly reprimanded and told to “get an appendix”.
The fact of the matter is that, when I consider the behaviour of my friends and I, I realize that many of our Insults, particularly those whispered about strangers we don’t even know, were really just a poorly veiled attempt to boost or maintain our own self-confidence. Aggressive and secretive Insulting of complete strangers is a hallmark of deep-seeded insecurity. However, to this date I have never pointed this out. Not even as part of a nice retort Insult. An evolved person would take little interest in this teasing. Ceasing such behaviour represents growth and is a reward all its own.
On the other hand, if I were an evolved person who had risen above using Insults, I clearly wouldn’t have spent several weeks fine tuning my advanced theories on the subject. The truth is, I have simply never found a way to render this Insult without leaving more than the desired amount of shadow.
I will make certain to let you know if I ever think of anything.
----
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx
---
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
-- Oscar Wilde
----
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one."
-- Winston Churchill
------
The purpose of this essay is to provide a comprehensive analysis of the Insult. I will be discussing the two key components of the Insult, which I refer to as “The Render” and “The Shadow”. I have included a great deal of formal background information and unnecessary nonsense in order to give the appearance of a formal essay. I am really not sure why. Nonetheless, we begin with the obligatory Table of Contents:
Table of Contents:
1) About the Author
2) Introduction
3) Historical Context and Significance
4) The Two Building Blocks
a. The render
b. The shadow
5) Delivering the Perfect Insult
6) Appendix
1) About the Author
-------
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
-- Samuel Johnson
-------
The author was raised in a family where every visit to the dinner table was effectively a desperate battle to maintain one’s self respect (and perhaps cripple someone else’s). Being a creature of comfort the author then sought out friends of like mind. This played a key role in the formation of a verbally aggressive social group, which remains intact and Insulting in all respects to this day.
The culmination of these experiences have combined to create a belief that sticks and/or stones, though reputed to be bone-breakingly strong, are a lesser option to the kind of brutal psychological damage you can inflict on someone if you are graced with the right combination of luck, opportunity and skill.
2) Introduction to the Insult
When it comes to human interaction, we live in a subjective world. What is “fat” to one person is “skinny” to another, and what is “phat” to some is “lame” to others. There are no answer books or cliff notes to help us sort out whose impressions are objectively right or wrong, so we all form our own opinions and for the most part they go completely unchecked. However, this inevitably leads to some conflict, because our own subjective opinions don’t usually align with the opinions of others. In a world of 6.7 billion people, most of whom are incapable of shutting up long enough to think of anything interesting to say, there is inevitably some conflict, some disagreement and some jockeying for position.
The Insult is a key mechanism through which we voice critical comparisons. It is a tool of language whereby the Insultor speaks poorly of the Insultee. For example, you may feel that someone’s sister is unusually promiscuous, or that someone’s mother’s obesity is sufficiently noteworthy that it is worth making some kind of special effort to point it out publicly. The Insult is your tool for bringing such conditions to public attention.
3) Historical Context and Significance
------
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
-- Dorothy Parker
------
(Authors Note: This portion is purely conjecture. Absolutely no research was done)
I can only assume that the Insult has been around for as long as people have been able to communicate. I can easily imagine cavemen making fun of each other simply by pointing and laughing. This is no doubt when the male of the species began its gender-long tradition of taunting other men for the substandard women that we drag into our caves, or for the shoddy wheels that we keep reinventing.
Although the Insult has always been with us, there is an argument to be made that it is more important to our civilization now than it has ever been. In the past, disputes were more likely to be resolved through physical conflict or by the maintenance of a strong class system. As we all collectively evolve to become more like the cool people we watch on situational comedies, the need for a civilized method of resolving conflict has become increasingly important. The Insult is the most aggressive form of civilized discussion (assuming that threats are not considered civilized.) Cats hiss, snakes rattle and people “put others down” in the hope that this will somehow put them “up”.
It is also important to note that today’s society has evolved to become remarkably sensitive and prone to psychological damage. As a result, there is a disturbing trend within pop culture for people to overtly toot their own horns. This is increasingly evident in all of the main pop culture outlets including modern politics, pop and rap music, competitive sports and, most notably, professional wresting. Not surprisingly, modern Insults have followed this trend, becoming more and more direct and less and less subtle. While it is true that this makes for more boring Insults, it provides a tremendous social advantage for anyone who has a true understanding of The Insult, its building blocks, and its hidden implications.
3) The Building Blocks
----
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
-- Robert Benchley
----
a. The Render: How you choose to make your point
In many situations, the rendering of the Insult is the actual key to the Insult itself. This is the key difference between saying “Your mother is fat” and “Your mother is so fat that . . . “ Most would agree that a “Your mother” joke is judged completely on how well the Insultor renders the shape of the mother, and not on the mother’s actual shape.
Generally speaking, the most successful way to “render” an Insult is to incorporate humour on some level. This can be done through over the top exaggerating, subtle innuendo, or even physical gesturing.
[Author’s Note - Count me among those who long for the days when Insults were a lot more creative. A brief google on the likes of Winston Churchill, Dorothy Parker or Oscar Wilde reveals a cornucopia of brilliant Insults. I have long dreamed of sitting at the Algonquin Round Table and being insulted by everyone who was there. I wonder what would Harpo Marx do?]
[Author’s Secondary Note – I am pretty sure that I have never used the term Cornucopia before unless I was referring to an obscure 25 year-old Black Sabbath song.]
b. The shadow
This represents the most overlooked aspect of the Insult: what it tells you about the Insultor. In my last theory I spoke a great deal about how aggressive behaviour is often just a cry for positive attention from others. The Insult is an example of this theory at work, for it too represents an aggressive action. Noted alchemist Sir Isaac Newton once posited that “every action has an equal and opposite reaction,” and the Insult is no exception.
Put another way, every Insult may attempt to shine the focus on the Insultee, but if you pay close enough attention, it also provides an equal amount of information about the Insultor. When the Insultor puts someone down, he leaves a clue, a hint, or sometimes even a clear indication of his own insecurities and inadequacies. I call this the “shadow” of the Insult.
When you stop and think about it, an evolved person stands very little to gain for aggressively pointing out other peoples’ faults. Yet it remains something that so many of us like to do. In a world full of insecurity and uncertainty, we make fun of people that are different as a way of showing that we fit in. We point out others’ inadequacies as a means of highlighting how we don’t share them. We point our fingers at others as a means of asserting ourselves.
Trying to improve yourself is hard work. Nobody is perfect and everything is relative. Sometimes the easiest way to feel better about yourself is to feel less about others. The key point is that when we resort to an Insult as a means of asserting ourselves, we are making our need to feel better about ourselves visible for all to see. However, most don’t see it because the focus is on the Insultee. The weakness of the aggressor lingers in the shadow of the Insult.
4) Theory 17: The Theory of Insults
----
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln
----
Finally, I give you Theory 15: The perfect Insult is one which provides a brilliant rendering while leaving the exact amount of shadow that the Insultor desires.
Recognizing that every different situation requires a different Insult, the right mix of render and shadow will always vary. Friends often engage in the vicious insulting of one another as a means of play fighting. In this instance, a big shadow is desirable, for the goal of propping yourself up through lowering another is completely transparent and understood. Not everyone is comfortable just “whipping it out” and seeing whose is bigger. Some of us prefer to talk things through.
In the case of a pure insult, where the intent is to truly hurt someone, the Insultor runs the risk of casting a lager shadow than he or she intends. This behaviour is aggressive and emotions are necessarily involved. As such, if there is any real practical value to take from this essay, it is that if you really want someone to feel insulted, you need to remove your shadow completely. The elusive Perfect Insult: where the Insultee is not even aware that there was intent to Insult. Somehow an innocent suggestion is made that strikes the desired point home, seemingly by accident. Here the Insultor gets no credit for the render of the Insult, for nobody recognizes the accomplishment. The render becomes more about nuance than descriptive language. The Insultor sets aside the glory of a great Insult to maximize its impact.
All of this explains why Dorothy Parker delivered her Insults with her signature indifferent drawl, or why so many of Churchill’s brilliant Insults are perfect comebacks that sound so similar in form to the original Insult that was leveled at him, as if he is always ready to win a battle of wits, but only bothered when engaged by an aggressor.
5) Appendix
----
“This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.”
-- Dorothy Parker
----
A great deal more could be written on this topic. As usual, I am stopping my analysis at a point befitting the goal of this web site. I have said many times that you can only expect so much from cereal box philosophy. However, for this theory I thought it would be nice to leave you with a little personal story for context.
About 6 years ago I spent a month or so juggling some combination of pain and denial until my appendix finally burst, sending me to the hospital. To my friends’ surprise, when I finally emerged from my recovery, I was less Insulting and less mean, (which was interpreted as less interesting and less fun.) This disappointed my friends, who still miss the more judgmental and entertaining Mark. Naturally, my friends drew a connection to the loss of my appendix. (Perhaps it is not so vestigial an organ after all.) To this day, any time I speak with a hint of empathy, I am quickly reprimanded and told to “get an appendix”.
The fact of the matter is that, when I consider the behaviour of my friends and I, I realize that many of our Insults, particularly those whispered about strangers we don’t even know, were really just a poorly veiled attempt to boost or maintain our own self-confidence. Aggressive and secretive Insulting of complete strangers is a hallmark of deep-seeded insecurity. However, to this date I have never pointed this out. Not even as part of a nice retort Insult. An evolved person would take little interest in this teasing. Ceasing such behaviour represents growth and is a reward all its own.
On the other hand, if I were an evolved person who had risen above using Insults, I clearly wouldn’t have spent several weeks fine tuning my advanced theories on the subject. The truth is, I have simply never found a way to render this Insult without leaving more than the desired amount of shadow.
I will make certain to let you know if I ever think of anything.
----
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx
---
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
-- Oscar Wilde
----
posted by Mark at 2:29 AM
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4 Comments:
The recursive irony of insulting your friends for insulting others would cast a shadow so large there would be six more weeks of winter.
What is the shadow when you insult yourself?
This is the funniest shit I have ever read. I was in a horrible mood 15 minutes ago, and now... Thank you, sir.
Who knows where to download XRumer 5.0 Palladium?
Help, please. All recommend this program to effectively advertise on the Internet, this is the best program!
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