Book of Mark Xmas Special Part 2: How the Book of Mark Saved Christmas from Charlie Brown

Many of you may not remember this, but Christmas was once a holiday on peril. It was a holiday that had lost its way. Then, to everyone’s relief, Charlie Brown came along in 1965 and delivered a Christmas special (sponsored by Coca-Cola – really) that reminded everyone that Christmas had become too commercial and was supposed to be about religion. The struggling holiday was saved. For you youngsters, that may seem ridiculous, but back in the old days this was exactly the kind of radical thinking that was needed. Try to think of it like the emergence of unions – it was critically necessary at the time but eventually became a lot more like a pain in the ass.

Nowadays, Christmas is in again in crisis. Religions are clashing, people are spending themselves into dangerous debt and toys have become so ridiculously cool that they pose a long term threat on reality in a Matrix-like kind of way. Most importantly, a lot of depressed people feel even more depressed at Christmas.

Well, here at the Book of Mark we have spent all morning trying to think of some clever suggestions. Here is how I would save Christmas:

1) It’s time to kill Santa once and for all.

Let’s face it – old men dressed in flaming red costumers, smelling of liquor and offering your children toys for sitting on their respective laps is not the kind of role model we should be advancing. It undermines everything else we tell our kids. I was having dinner with a friend who told me that their youngest daughter was terrified of Santa Claus and willing to forego gifts just to avoid having to meet him. That girl gets it. Why don’t we?

Why not fake a sleigh accident with a drunk driver and try to kill to birds with one stone?

2) Say “Happy Holidays” and not “Merry Christmas”

Seriously Christians, get over yourselves. If the idea of wishing someone a “Merry Christmas” is truly an effort to wish that person good tidings then why not say it in the way in the way does this best. This isn’t about Christmas being under attack, this is about all of us getting our God-groove on in any way we want. It’s not as though we are doing this to because people are offended by the word Christmas. Everyone has Christmas whether they are catholic or not. I recently learned from a Jewish friend that many Jews refer to Christmas as “Jew-movie day” and they all go to movies free from Christian babbling. This explains why the Jewish community was so far ahead of the rest of the world in panning the Godfather Part 3.

The point is, saying Merry Christmas isn’t offensive to other religions, it’s just that saying “Happy holidays” makes a point of including them. Isn’t that better? As a non-religious person, I envy all God-worshippers equally. It’s like the old saying “Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.”.

3) Bring Commercialization To The Next Level.

Everyone complains the Christmas has gone too commercial, just like Charlie Brown said. They emphasize how the onslaught of advertising has created a culture of accumulation whereby sharing time with your loved ones is all about spending more and more money on them.

Sure, that may seem true for you, but let’s take a broader look:

What about the people who are alone on Christmas? The people who have nobody to buy gifts for or to share a turkey with? I am not saying we need to feel sorry for them, I am saying that they represent a pretty big market. Why aren’t we marketing to them? Why aren’t we commercializing Christmas loneliness?

A simple example:

The divorced father who doesn’t get to see his kids on Christmas is sad. He is alone and he desperately wants to pass the time. He wanders to Swiss Chalet for a “Festive Meal” and then he walks around the stores for a bit, then he goes home and watches television to kill the evening. Sadly, all that is on are cheesy Christmas shows about the importance of family and the joy of Christmas. He is depressed; just as many other people are at Christmas. (Thus the popular though not technically true rumour that suicide rates are higher this time of year.)

Fear not, for capitalism can save him:

What if, instead of a festive meal, he had “The lonely Xmas special”. Instead of stuffing and cranberry sauce on the side he would get macaroni and cheese on the side with a little Mr. Noodle bowl to take home for later. When he wanders the stores he is pleasantly surprised to see that the porn shops are having a “Spank yourself through Christmas” sale where all kinds of wonderful new porn is available at seasonal prices. When he gets finished with that and turns on the TV, some of the channels have decided they will have a bigger market by catering to him. Instead of Christmas specials it’s a Shannon Tweed marathon.

These ideas are really just off the top of my head, but you get the point. Real commercialism would take of advantage of these untapped markets and not keep trying to cater only to the fictitious perfect Christmas family. Real commercialism knows where the money is. I can only assume that those firm ties between Christmas and religion are still holding us back. That damn Charie Brown. He swung the pendulum too far.

Well, I started with cartoons so I will end with cartoons: In the words of an animated cracker factory:

“Christmas is a family holiday, happy families. Maybe single people like Christmas, we don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without.”

Happy holidays everyone. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.