Theory #7: The Kamikaze Auto-Pilot

It is 8:30 a.m. Monday morning. Having spent the last week vacationing up north, (and missing my weekly post in the process), I am about to hear an alarm clock for the first time in 9 days. Emotionally, I am not ready, but this doesn’t matter.

Several snooze buttons later I am snapping into action even though I am so groggy that I can’t think rationally. I stumble to the washroom and shower and shave with remarkable efficiency. I intuitively find (ahem) suitable work clothing. There are about 5 things I need to remember – keys, wallet, comb, phone and sunglasses, but I find them all without a thought. I step out of the elevator, nodding at a concierge that I am assuming is there solely on blind faith. My eyes are barely open behind the shades. As I hit the street I begin combing my hair without any mirror as I walk towards the office. Content, I toss my comb a foot or two in the air.

Despite having no formal training in aerodynamics or advanced mathematics, I am miraculously able to judge where the comb will land and move my hand there within an instant; catching it and putting it back in my pocket in one swift motion. Sure, I will be late for work, but I am practiced in the art of corporate dialogue, and my colleagues, equally proficient, will have no problem overlooking my tardiness. Soon I will be typing away at about 50 words a minute, nowhere near exceptional in this day and age, but still pretty impressive if you ever stop and think about it.

Like so many of us on a Monday morning, I have started my work day by completing a series of complex tasks with very little help from my conscious mind. I am functioning almost completely on auto-pilot. It is my own biased opinion that I have an outstanding auto-pilot. It is almost as cool as the inflatable one in the original Airplane movie. Being able to navigate through an infinite amount of details and distractions, and then being able to focus on a single task, is crucial in connecting with the other humans on the planet, because this is the way we interact and communicate with one another: we all learn common shortcuts, words and expressions, and we use them to convey our thoughts. We all speak the language and we all know the rules, so we wander around comfortably, focused only on the details we choose to base our life around.

Contrast this with the wondrous mind of my 1 year old nephew. He came up north to visit this week and I got to see his young brain integrate and understand a new environment. To him, there are no shortcuts yet. Every single item in the room is noteworthy. Every apple is a different item, unique and not yet part of any fruity generalization. He has almost no auto-pilot, and I envy him. The world is nothing but stimuli, and he is he is only just begun the process of breaking it down into a workable number of pieces and patterns such that he can function in society. He is yet to conform, but anxious to communicate, so conform he must and conform he will. Moreover, the better that he is able to break his world into patterns the better off he will be as he sets off to establish himself

We like to say that humans have reason where animals only have instinct, but I have never been comfortable with this. Sometimes I think we either both have reason or we are both just using instinct (“tomato, tomato” – but that only works if you know to read that and pronounce the two words differently.) The major difference, in my opinion, between animals and humans is the level of complexity in our thoughts and behaviour (smarter brains have smarter instincts).

When you get right down to it, the world is really too big for any of us to comprehend and grasp at anything but broad levels, so we create “the big picture”. Meanwhile, we spend the bulk of our lives dealing with our own personal “little picture”. We pick and choose the details we think are important, and navigate around the rest. All the while, large corporations spend millions of dollars trying to bring new details to the forefront of our minds. Do I have dandruff? Gingevitis? Bad breath? Do my socks match my belt? Does my fashion sense align with current trends, and not previous ones? This attack on our senses just puts more pressure on us to learn to how to ignore all of the noise.

It is easy to drown in a sea of details, and we all desperately rely on our auto-pilot to navigate the storm.

The problem is, the more we rely on our auto-pilot, the more trouble we get in later. Life, like a software company, continues to introduce upgrades into its sea of details, and our auto-pilot, because is trained not to pay attention, loses its ability to adapt. We don’t see the world change around us.

This is why old people seem “out of it”. Their minds became resistant to change back when they were learning how to become “with it”. New technologies confuse them. All of these new immigrants with different customs and priorities intimidate and annoy them, so they show less tolerance. The idea of modern society rendering obsolete so many of the details they once learned to navigate, means that their skill set has become less valuable. All of this goes on while their body is physically deteriorating. It is a real challenge to face the realities that come with age, but we are all getting older just the same.

So I offer you Chapter 7 in the Book of Mark: To succeed in life you must have a good “auto-pilot” to navigate the infinite details, but you also must not be afraid to take back the wheel now and then and risk crashing the plane.

The smartest among us develop the best auto-pilot. The better our auto-pilot is, the more we rely on it. This suggests that the smartest among us will be the most affected when our auto-pilot becomes obsolete, so it is the smartest who must work the hardest to counter the trend.

How does one remain grounded, maintain perspective and foster an ability to change with the times? How does one survive outside the details we all once chose and have now buried ourselves in? As usual, my simple pithy theories lead to much harder questions. I have my own solutions, and I DO NOT recommend them for everyone.

I believe in exposing myself to sharp contrasts and opposite extremes. I like to do things, both personal and professional, that require extremely sharp concentration. I also like to enjoy things like drinking and drugs (only the good ones) that bend the brain into new perspectives and discourage concentration. I also like to live in the heart of the city, and spend weekends in the middle of nowhere. Sharp contrasts force me to stop, refocus, and stay grounded. It keeps my mind open to being creative. It wrenches me out of routine and forces me to look around.

I don’t imagine that this appeals to most people, but I trust you already know what helps you think creatively and maintain perspective. I hope you are making enough time for it.

I hope this answers the question as to why I haven’t posted in two weeks. I was away and my brain was vacationing from its usual patterns, as well as from sharp focus in general.

In closing, teacher, I spent my summer vacation trying to remember how to fly the plane.

Theory 6: Equivalent Happiness. Part B: Remembering Your Audience

Warning – Chronological failure! This is Part B, so you may want to scroll down and read Part A first.

For those of you that would assume that my worst vice would be one of gambling, drugs, alcohol or pornography, you will be surprised and disgusted to learn that I am recording and watching Beverly Hills 90210 reruns on a regular basis. I have watched 4 episodes this week. Remember how I mentioned the role 12 year-old Mark plays in making moral choices? While, for some reason, 19 year-old Mark has a lot to say about what kind of television I like to watch. Looking back, I still love Brenda, even if she was a bitch. I think it is only natural that I somehow work this into Part B of Equivalent Happiness Theory.

When we left off, Theory 2 (about lying to ourselves) was encroaching heavily on Theory 6 (about being happy). I was discussing that people generally coast at the same base level of happiness, and that we are generally idiots who do an awful job of trying to become happier. The culprit: We aren’t honest with ourselves.

I have already stated that I think happiness in an internal condition. Yet, when people try to make changes that they think will make them happier, they always look to external solutions, just the type of things that Part A argued will do nothing to change how happy they are. They look to nice cars, nice clothes, nice possessions. They look to relationships with other people thinking that love is all they need. They look to religion.

The problem is, if you are all messed up internally, you are never going to have enough things, you are going to do damage to your relationships, and you aren’t going to make wonderful spiritual connections with any god(s).

We all watch the outside world and think that what happens to us will determine our happiness. I just don’t think that the “WHAT” is nearly as important as the “US”. Simply put, you are the source of all of your own happiness, and all of your own unhappiness. No matter who you are and where you are, we all have one dreary thing in common: we are all stuck with our self. We can only ever hear our own unfiltered thoughts, and we can only see the world through our own perceptions.

And so, the answer becomes clear: you have to really like yourself to be happy. If you like and respect yourself, you can enjoy external things or possessions without putting too much emphasis on them, you can be a healthy contributor to all your relationships, and you have the self awareness to pursue spiritual happiness through whatever means you choose. If you don’t like yourself, you are stuck living every moment of your life with someone you don’t like, and that is something you should probably be working on.

Which brings me to Theory #6 in the Book of Mark: If you want to become happier, stop working on things that have no impact on how you feel about yourself, and start working on what it is about yourself that you wish you could change. Otherwise, you will coast through life at some equivalent level of happiness and direct all your focus and energy on things that won’t help you get any happier. You’ll be swallowed by details.

How you go about liking yourself more is a whole other story. The pursuit of self actualization and loving of one’s self is a life’s work for even really, really old people. I don’t have the silver bullet.

I do, however, as usual, have my own stupid trick that comes in handy. While LIVING your life is one sense, remember to OBSERVE it objectively at the same time. Keep some perspective in the larger sense as you watch yourself live. In order to that, you need to make sure that you enjoy watching your life, and that you are interesting enough to observe. It is tragic to think of how many people I have come across who have completely lost interest in themselves, to the point where they will only ever get excited about other people and other things. It is so easy to get lost in the day-to-day details of life that you look back and suddenly a whole bunch of time has elapsed and you feel as though nothing significant has happened.

To combat this, I like to observe my life as if I were watching a television show. I am often amused when frustrating things happen as I think "How will our hero deal with this?" I wish I could say that my life is some great television show that enriches the spirit at every moment, but I just can’t live up to that. Mostly I am watching a bad television show full of life’s boring little details, so I at least try to make sure it is the 90210esque (a new word for the ages) kind of show where I remain fascinated by what the characters will do. Something that 19 year-old Mark would get addicted to.

Just about any time I am bored with the television show that is my life I look to the main character to somehow make things interesting. Luckily, I have complete control over the main character. I can’t tell you how often a voice in my head says something to the effect of “Do something interesting. Dance, monkey, dance.” It may seem wierd, but I have found that it is a lot easier to make positive changes with respect to who you are when you are constantly comparing yourself to the character you would like to be.

And so, at every moment in my life, I have a 12 year-old judging my life on a moral level and a hormone-ridden 19 year-old demanding that I remain entertaining. This is NOT enough to guarantee that I am a great person, but I think it keeps me trying, and helps me to disassociate from the short-term results. Sure the last girl I asked out said no, but how boring would it be if I hadn’t even asked? Who would watch that show? Suddenly, (in keeping with my promise that the theories need to start working together), Theory # 5 starts to creep in. I start to demand of myself that I try different things and that I put myself out there. I start to have a lot going on, and I become less concerned with the individual results and details. I grow a little bit, I amuse myself, and I like myself a bit more.

My life may be a bad television 90210esque show, but I think I have gotten to a point where I am my favourite character. I advise you to make sure that, in the face of your own objective viewing, you too are your own favourite character. After all, for all the things we can't control in life, we get to decide who we are. That may not be enough to guarantee a life of happiness, but I think it will keep us moving in the right direction, rather than not moving at all.

Well, I managed to work in Theories 2 and 5 into Theory 6, which I am pleased with, and I got to mention Brenda in the process. For more discussion on dealing with the details of life, stay tuned for Theory #7: The Kamikaze Auto-Pilot.

Additional Note – I was recently introduced to the work of Harvard Professor Daniel Gilbert, whose theories are similar to some of mine but go into much greater depth. Although I didn’t originally steal this theory from him, I definitely have incorporated some of his terminology. For more information I suggest you check him out or his book, Stumbling On Happiness. I haven’t read it but I found the synopsis an excellent read, for whatever that is worth.

Theory 6: Equivalent Happiness. Part A: We’re All Idiots

Looking back, I was a pretty smart kid. I remember understanding, even at 12 years old, that living the tedium of life would force me into all kinds of decisions that I couldn’t understand at that age. I accepted that I would change as I gained wisdom. Even then, I made a solemn vow to myself that no matter what I would stay true to three simple promises: First, I vowed that what I would end up a good person. Second, I vowed that I would be happy. (It’s funny that I felt certain that these two were very separate.) Finally, I promised I would stay true to my dream of being a rock star, because I knew that I had what it takes.

I said I was pretty smart, I never said I was a genius. Looking back, I probably should have practiced more if I wanted to be a rock star. I have had to let that one go. However, for some strange reason, the first two have stuck with me. I still constantly find myself asking what 12 year-old Mark would say, constantly needing the reassurance that my inner child would approve of my moral and philosophical choices.

We can talk about being a good person another time. Today I want to focus on my promise to be happy.

As you can see, I consider happiness one of the most fundamentally important goals in life. Luckily, I do think that I am a pretty happy person, and I still think 12 year-old Mark can share in some credit. I have spent a good part of my life pursuing the science of what makes people happy. (Actually, I have spent most of it working on how I can be happy, because I have lived much of my life in a narcissistic cloud, but you still can’t help but do some people-watching in the process.)

In order to add some context, I should point out that I often take criticism for my life choices, and this issue speaks directly as to why. A lot of people whom I respect have long accused me of being too focused on short-term happiness. They would like to see me focus more on long-term happiness. Luckily, none of them have web sites that rationally break down their arguments, so I can say what I want uncontested. Furthermore, I think that these people fail to understand the simple logic that if you are capable of always being happy in the short term, then you never actually need to worry about the long term. I actually think that it works that way. I am not saying that you should just live for today and sacrifice tomorrow. I think that when you sacrifice today in the grand theme of things, you are also sacrificing part of tomorrow, and vice versa. I don’t consider life a marathon or a sprint; I have it pegged as more of a high jump.

(For those that read my Intermission post, let me just say that I am sort of ignoring hangovers because I am talking on a broader scale.)

You probably want to know what I think it is that makes people happy. Here is my revolutionary finding: Almost nothing. Happiness is an internal condition, and external things or events have little or no impact. They never suddenly make an unhappy person a happy one. Each individual person pretty much cruises through life at a certain level of happiness based on some internal setting. Big events, like the death of a loved one, or winning a lottery, or winning the lottery the same day a loved one dies, can cause all kinds of short term spikes. Sometimes one event can have an impact for months. In the end, sure enough, the same old level of happiness creeps back.

Don’t believe me? Go ahead – play along and pick someone you have known for a long time. Watch this person closely over a period of months. Watch as they anticipate certain events and watch as different events unfold. I think you’ll find that happiness generally doesn’t change.

Let me put it another way – I think people tend to run on the same baseline for all of their emotions. Do you know somebody who is always stressed? Have you noticed that when there are no big issues, this person stresses incessantly over little ones. However, when a slightly bigger issue arises, the person has no problem setting aside or ignoring little issues to focus on real problems? The stress level has remained constant in spite of the change in the magnitude of the issues faced. We say things like “the little things don’t seem so important now,” but they were important, in that we use them to set out internal emotions to the levels where we feel most comfortable.

I think we all do this in our own way. Isn’t it a strange thought to think that all of the details in our lives, the ones that make us happy and the ones that make us stressed, aren’t even important enough to differentiate? We just pick and choose things to focus on so that we can allow ourselves to maintain that same even keel? Shouldn’t that make us feel stupid for spending so much time thinking about these issues?

You’re damn right it should.

You may be wondering if I am suggesting that people can’t change there level of happiness. Is it even worth trying? Well, I do think it worth trying to be happier. Pursuing happiness is a key part of life. I just think we are all idiots and that is why we are all really bad at it. I think all of us foolishly wander through life like ants doing tasks without a sufficient understanding as to how we can make ourselves happier.

I say “all of us”, but I only mean most of us.

What is even cooler is that some new research and books back up parts of this theory and take it to new levels that I had never previously considered. I’ll reference them soon.

And so I will leave you with the promise that in Part B, I will field my theory on exactly why many of us feel unhappy, and what I think we need to do to get better. I won’t promise an easy answer, just a long and difficult one. If it was easy I would be a lot happier. However, I will promise that some of these Book of Mark theories will finally start working together instead of being stand-alone attempts at being clever.

I am looking forward to see if I can pull it off. So is that judgmental 12 year-old runt.