Theory 16B: The Hidden Value of Needy Gene. Part B: The Crooked Path to Enlightenment
Um . . where was I?
When I was younger, I was remarkably stupid. As a hyperactive adolescent I have very vivid memories of trying to impress certain people because I mistakenly thought that this would somehow help me to gain self respect through the invisible magic of gaining the respect of others. I was much too focused on how others saw me, and I now realize that this led me to make many a foolish mistake.
Now, as a 34 year-old man-child, I remain remarkably stupid, though my acne for the most part has cleared up. Like most people, I still worry too much about others’ perceptions. However, I can proudly say that years of foolishness has led to some moderate amounts of middle-aged wisdom, which is why I now know to temper my own insecurity with a healthy understanding of the remarkable shortcomings of those I used to try to impress.
Which takes me back to where I left off . . .
I have a vague recollection of promising that Part B of this theory will vanquish foes, get you laid and make you feel better about yourself. Seems easy enough.
If you haven’t read Part A, or if it’s been 10 weeks since you read it, here is a quick quote that sums it up:
“Our society is the inevitable result of one simple fact: Humans are weak, needy, and above all else, seek the approval of other humans. People need people, we all know that. I’ll go one step further – the fact that people need people is the driving force behind a very large proportion of every decision we will ever make. It is the most prominent explanation for everything that will ever happen.”
The grammar is shaky at best but the point holds. Feel free to go back and check my math.
Assuming I have convinced you of that, here are the three remaining points I am trying to sell you:
1) We all need to give a great deal of thought to how much our subconscious, through its need to interact with others, is impacting all of the decisions that we make.
Don’t get me wrong, I think it is very healthy to seek out other humans. After all, we humans have physical and psychological needs, both of which are based on screwing with each other. Also, we happen to be the most interesting thing on the planet. We create paintings, pornography, velcro, war, the Internet, and, most importantly according to historians, sliced bread. You never know what crazy thing we are going to do next, and we do it all for each other.
The problem occurs when our subconscious is focused more on the fear of encountering negative interaction rather than the exhilaration of seeking out positive interaction. We humans are often horribly traumatized when taunted, excluded, bullied, or judged poorly by other humans; so much so that we go to great lengths to avoid this by applying the old adage that the best defense is a good offence: One race naturally hates another because it is insecure and fears the unknown; High school teenagers bully each other verbally and physically because they feel a desperate need to assert an elevated status; We wear clothes that we think others will like rather than what we like; Men beat women to assert dominance, grown-ups beat kids, kids beat each other, etc. When we don’t keep a close eye on our subconscious, it can trick us into doing lots of bad things that we do out of fear and insecurity.
2) Once we better understand how our subconscious “neediness” is screwing with us, we can use this to better understand how other people’s subconscious “neediness” is screwing with them, and how this impacts how they treat us.
This is effectively the same point as #1 but taken from a different perspective. We need to remember that much of the behaviour we fear from others is not really a reflection of us being judged poorly, but instead a reflection on someone else’s fear and insecurities. I have always read that bullies were actually cowards but it took me a long time to figure out that this wasn’t just some lame comeback that the victims of bullies had gotten together and agreed on at one of their nerd meetings.
3) Knowing more than other people about what is driving their behaviour and how they interact is a tremendously powerful tool, and you can use it to vanquish foes, get laid and generally just feel better about yourself through the magic of feeling less about others.
Imagine a world where you are arguing with someone and this person suddenly starts personally insulting you in front of others. Now imagine that, rather than feeling insulted, or hurt, or embarrassed, you instead feel pleased because this was precisely the result you were looking for, and your body language exudes confidence for all to see because this insult lets everyone know that you have officially won the argument. That’s basically how it works. We need to recognize that awakening aggressiveness in others is actually a sign of burrowing through their sense of security to the point where they feel insecure and lash out. We humans tend to focus on our insecurities so much that, when dealing with negative interaction, we focus on our weakness rather than the weakness that the other person has shown us.
I spent a whole bunch of theories talking about self-actualization and focusing inward rather than outward. I still believe all that stuff. However, when evaluating ourselves, we often make the mistake of trying to live up to perfection. This leads to feeling of inadequacy when dealing with others, but we are so self-involved we forget how others have the same imperfections. Others are often a great deal worse at the game of life than we are, and this is most evident when others intentionally try to cause us harm, revealing their weaknesses and insecurities. We fear situations where others are aggressive towards us, so much so that we fail to see the position of power it puts us in.
Humanity is far and away the universe’s greatest accomplishment, but we still collectively suck ass. We are generally in denial of our needs and so narcissistically focused on our own faults that we overlook the faults of others. The people that make us feel the worst about ourselves are often the people who subconsciously feel the worst about themselves.
At long last, I give you Theory 16: Although lofty spiritual goals like enlightenment require that we focus inward on improving ourselves, the day to day pleasures of life such as impressing others and earning their trust (whether you are looking to get laid more or paid more) require that we take a broader perspective. Understanding and recognizing the fears and insecurities of others is as important as recognizing the subconscious pressures behind our own motivations, and it provides us with a competitive advantage over those whose actions would otherwise frighten us most. In other words, we should all be much better at seeing the coward behind the bully, and it should actually make us feel better, rather than worse, about ourselves.
Any graduate student of philosophy worth his or her salt would probably want to point out that a theory which attempts to gain advantage from the insecurities of others flies in the face of any true path to self-actualization. This explains a great deal about what I dislike about graduate philosophy students (who can now use my own theory against me).
I struggled with this theory because it is more theoretical as opposed to practical, and I kept trying to do too much. I promised you all kinds of practical uses and yet I am really just speaking in seemingly desperate broad theoretical terms. However, I am pleased to report that the theories that will follow will provide thorough and practical examples of this theory at work.
Theory 17 will discuss something near and dear to my heart: how to insult someone to his/her very core (excellent foe vanquishing material). Theory 18 will address the amazingly delicate and subtle game of human attraction (i.e. getting laid tips). I have no doubt that my former significant others will look forward with curious anticipation about my thoughts on that one.
Until then, I can only promise that my own personal state of neediness has finally returned to the lofty level where I can promise that I will talk to you soon.
When I was younger, I was remarkably stupid. As a hyperactive adolescent I have very vivid memories of trying to impress certain people because I mistakenly thought that this would somehow help me to gain self respect through the invisible magic of gaining the respect of others. I was much too focused on how others saw me, and I now realize that this led me to make many a foolish mistake.
Now, as a 34 year-old man-child, I remain remarkably stupid, though my acne for the most part has cleared up. Like most people, I still worry too much about others’ perceptions. However, I can proudly say that years of foolishness has led to some moderate amounts of middle-aged wisdom, which is why I now know to temper my own insecurity with a healthy understanding of the remarkable shortcomings of those I used to try to impress.
Which takes me back to where I left off . . .
I have a vague recollection of promising that Part B of this theory will vanquish foes, get you laid and make you feel better about yourself. Seems easy enough.
If you haven’t read Part A, or if it’s been 10 weeks since you read it, here is a quick quote that sums it up:
“Our society is the inevitable result of one simple fact: Humans are weak, needy, and above all else, seek the approval of other humans. People need people, we all know that. I’ll go one step further – the fact that people need people is the driving force behind a very large proportion of every decision we will ever make. It is the most prominent explanation for everything that will ever happen.”
The grammar is shaky at best but the point holds. Feel free to go back and check my math.
Assuming I have convinced you of that, here are the three remaining points I am trying to sell you:
1) We all need to give a great deal of thought to how much our subconscious, through its need to interact with others, is impacting all of the decisions that we make.
Don’t get me wrong, I think it is very healthy to seek out other humans. After all, we humans have physical and psychological needs, both of which are based on screwing with each other. Also, we happen to be the most interesting thing on the planet. We create paintings, pornography, velcro, war, the Internet, and, most importantly according to historians, sliced bread. You never know what crazy thing we are going to do next, and we do it all for each other.
The problem occurs when our subconscious is focused more on the fear of encountering negative interaction rather than the exhilaration of seeking out positive interaction. We humans are often horribly traumatized when taunted, excluded, bullied, or judged poorly by other humans; so much so that we go to great lengths to avoid this by applying the old adage that the best defense is a good offence: One race naturally hates another because it is insecure and fears the unknown; High school teenagers bully each other verbally and physically because they feel a desperate need to assert an elevated status; We wear clothes that we think others will like rather than what we like; Men beat women to assert dominance, grown-ups beat kids, kids beat each other, etc. When we don’t keep a close eye on our subconscious, it can trick us into doing lots of bad things that we do out of fear and insecurity.
2) Once we better understand how our subconscious “neediness” is screwing with us, we can use this to better understand how other people’s subconscious “neediness” is screwing with them, and how this impacts how they treat us.
This is effectively the same point as #1 but taken from a different perspective. We need to remember that much of the behaviour we fear from others is not really a reflection of us being judged poorly, but instead a reflection on someone else’s fear and insecurities. I have always read that bullies were actually cowards but it took me a long time to figure out that this wasn’t just some lame comeback that the victims of bullies had gotten together and agreed on at one of their nerd meetings.
3) Knowing more than other people about what is driving their behaviour and how they interact is a tremendously powerful tool, and you can use it to vanquish foes, get laid and generally just feel better about yourself through the magic of feeling less about others.
Imagine a world where you are arguing with someone and this person suddenly starts personally insulting you in front of others. Now imagine that, rather than feeling insulted, or hurt, or embarrassed, you instead feel pleased because this was precisely the result you were looking for, and your body language exudes confidence for all to see because this insult lets everyone know that you have officially won the argument. That’s basically how it works. We need to recognize that awakening aggressiveness in others is actually a sign of burrowing through their sense of security to the point where they feel insecure and lash out. We humans tend to focus on our insecurities so much that, when dealing with negative interaction, we focus on our weakness rather than the weakness that the other person has shown us.
I spent a whole bunch of theories talking about self-actualization and focusing inward rather than outward. I still believe all that stuff. However, when evaluating ourselves, we often make the mistake of trying to live up to perfection. This leads to feeling of inadequacy when dealing with others, but we are so self-involved we forget how others have the same imperfections. Others are often a great deal worse at the game of life than we are, and this is most evident when others intentionally try to cause us harm, revealing their weaknesses and insecurities. We fear situations where others are aggressive towards us, so much so that we fail to see the position of power it puts us in.
Humanity is far and away the universe’s greatest accomplishment, but we still collectively suck ass. We are generally in denial of our needs and so narcissistically focused on our own faults that we overlook the faults of others. The people that make us feel the worst about ourselves are often the people who subconsciously feel the worst about themselves.
At long last, I give you Theory 16: Although lofty spiritual goals like enlightenment require that we focus inward on improving ourselves, the day to day pleasures of life such as impressing others and earning their trust (whether you are looking to get laid more or paid more) require that we take a broader perspective. Understanding and recognizing the fears and insecurities of others is as important as recognizing the subconscious pressures behind our own motivations, and it provides us with a competitive advantage over those whose actions would otherwise frighten us most. In other words, we should all be much better at seeing the coward behind the bully, and it should actually make us feel better, rather than worse, about ourselves.
Any graduate student of philosophy worth his or her salt would probably want to point out that a theory which attempts to gain advantage from the insecurities of others flies in the face of any true path to self-actualization. This explains a great deal about what I dislike about graduate philosophy students (who can now use my own theory against me).
I struggled with this theory because it is more theoretical as opposed to practical, and I kept trying to do too much. I promised you all kinds of practical uses and yet I am really just speaking in seemingly desperate broad theoretical terms. However, I am pleased to report that the theories that will follow will provide thorough and practical examples of this theory at work.
Theory 17 will discuss something near and dear to my heart: how to insult someone to his/her very core (excellent foe vanquishing material). Theory 18 will address the amazingly delicate and subtle game of human attraction (i.e. getting laid tips). I have no doubt that my former significant others will look forward with curious anticipation about my thoughts on that one.
Until then, I can only promise that my own personal state of neediness has finally returned to the lofty level where I can promise that I will talk to you soon.
posted by Mark at 12:48 AM
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